Thursday, January 13, 2011

The ones who got away?

OK, that's probably a terrible name for this post.  Sorry. . .but that's what popped into my head first.  I just read that the new (special needs) shared list will be released on the 18th.  And my heart skipped a beat just for a sec. 

And then I remembered. . . we've already been matched with a child. . . a precious, cute-as-pie boy!  There will be no anxious waiting by the phone for us that day.  That was "the plan", but God had something else in mind.  We believe that this is the child destined for our family; He has made that clear, and I will rely on those signposts when doubt begins to flicker, as it has and will again, I imagine.  I can already see why some experience vicariously so much joy and emotion on the days referrals are made.  And I even get why some of you are eager to begin the process again.  I wonder, does anyone else get a bit jittery about referrals, even though you know the phone won't be ringing for you? 

All of you BTDT parents are invited to help me normalize my feelings that this. is. totally. surreal.  Who is this little person staring back at me from my computer screen?  Will I feel like I know him if I stare at his photos long enough?  It doesn't help that he appears to live in a smallish orphanage, so obscure that no one (at least in internet-ville) has heard of it!  It's very much like the first trimester of pregnancy, when you're not showing and no one knows you're pregnant unless you tell them, and you have to remind yourself--this is real!  This is happening!  This baby is on his way!  So please weigh in if you like, and help me figure out what to do with myself (other than taking care of the three Very Small People already living with me...duh) now that the flurry and fury of dossier-prep and the anxious waiting for a referral are over with. 

2 comments:

Stephanie said...

You captured the mystery of it all really well. It IS strange to look at this picture of "your son" and struggle with what to feel and try to gauge if you feel anything. The hard thing is, at least in my opinion, is that it isn't like anything I'd ever done before and so it all the feelings were new. I desperately wanted to feel the instant love that so many people blog about. I didn't feel that and thought that meant I was "wrong". In the end, love grows. You will prepare as best you can to meet this beautiful boy, your son. You will travel and be handed a stranger who you know you love on some level. And that love will grow. You are perfectly normal in your response.
BTW, we adopted our daughter from Jiangsu as well. We loved Nanchang!

Nancy said...

I easily envision all of them in my home. Easily. Even just after we brought home two toddlers! Maybe that's just how God makes some people. The paper work is TOUGH, but the waiting with nothing of consequence to do is tougher on a mama's heart. Try to keep the celebration of God's blessing going and focus on lovin' on your little at home. At least that's what I tried. It was only partially successful.
Nancy-of the crazy 8