Thursday, September 20, 2012

some trust in chariots...

...and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.  Psalm 20:7

That's the verse that always comes to mind when I realize I've gone out driving and left my cell phone at home.

Remember life before cell phones?  I do.  I think they're terrific.  Super convenient.  Life-saving, even.  Glad I have one.

But what should my mindset be on those rare days when I leave home without mine?  Am I less protected?  More in danger?  Is God's arm less mighty to save?  Surely He would want me to be more fearful and anxious on those days, right?

I posted a photo last night of poor Shu, forehead swollen with mosquito bites.  He has very sensitive skin, regardless of the reason, and reacts swiftly and dramatically to bug bites.  Within a few hours, the swelling had gone down and he was fine.  Do you ever just know with absolute certainty that your kid is OK, even when you've set everyone else to worrying?  (Please don't think I'm not appreciative of all the sweet expressions of concern!) Yeah.  I knew he was fine.  And he is fine.  Gonna slather on the bug repellent from now on...but still, he is fine.  We adopted him thinking he had a heart defect (he doesn't), possible nerve damage that might hinder his ability to walk, not entirely sure about his future continence, not to mention the surprise of apraxia .  Whole lot of unknowns there.  So mosquito bites don't worry me too much.  Just sayin'.

If I am learning nothing else from becoming an adoptive parent--in addition to parenting the three, about to be four, children I gave birth to, it is this:

I am not in control; rather, I am utterly, completely dependent on God.  I mean that.  Entirely.  Desperately.  I. CANNOT. DO. THIS. IN. MY. OWN. STRENGTH.

I am a fool if I think that my own wisdom or knowledge or expertise will be good enough to turn these children into responsible, successful, Jesus-following people.

I am mistaken if I think that my own efforts and strategies and loving behaviors are solely sufficient to undo all the damage inflicted on Shu's soul through abandonment and a year spent in an orphanage and to fully rewire his emotions for love and joy and security.

At best, I live in exhaustion and constant stress if I think that my hyper-vigilance as a mother will guarantee that my kids are always safe, always protected, always healthy.

I know better.

I'm not talking about neglect or ignoring good advice or abandoning responsibility.  We have a locked privacy fence.  I have a cell phone.  I use seat belts and car seats.  I attend birthday parties with my five year old daughter and still bring my almost eight year old son into the women's restroom with me in public.  My personal preference is to deliver babies in the hospital.  And I even vaccinate them!  Shhh!  I have no trouble, in general, with trusting doctors, psychologists, safety researchers...all the good folks who shape and guide our parenting practices.

But there's a reason we see fewer miracles here in the United States than those in other parts of the world.  Those who don't have urgent care, or cabinets stocked with Benadryl, or cell phones with unlimited text, or health insurance, or any of the other countless things we have come to rely on.  Some people know experientially that there is no hope, there are no options, there is literally no life outside of the saving hand of the Savior.

If I really believe that my salvation comes by grace through faith, and not through my own works, why is it so difficult to believe the same for my parenting and every other aspect of life?  I can trust God to count me as righteous, but all the practical daily details are up to me, is that how it is?  Do we think that we earn "excellent parent" status in direct proportion to our level of worry, how closely we watch our children on the playground, how quickly we rush them to the doctor, or how many points the car seat harness has?  Does God chuckle--kindly, I hope--at our pitiful attempts to do His job for Him?

I don't know about you, but I cannot live that way.  I refuse to!  I refuse to impart a spirit of fear to my kids.  My relationship with the Lord, and everything I do as an outflow of that, is a, a 95/5 partnership, if you catch my drift.  I want to please Him and activate Him with my faith!  I can't un-live in this culture (well, not in the United States, anyway), with all its provisions and technology and medical advances; that's not necessary.  But oh, the cry of my heart is that Jesus would look at me and find complete trust.  That He would not say He was unable to demonstrate His power or goodness in my life because of my unbelief--whether for something as minor as an allergic reaction or blessing us with a bigger house, or something as major as cancer!  Even as I grow in wisdom and experience as a mom, I become more aware every day of my total reliance on God's mercy, His healing, His leadership, His provision and protection over me, my husband, and my children.  None of that is on me--it's all on HIM, the One who holds all things together.  The more deeply I absorb that truth, the more peace and joy I walk in.  Sounds pretty good to me!  Life is but a vapor; health and safety and security but an illusion--if not for the Most High, the Almighty God, my shelter, my refuge, my covering, my provider.  I will not pretend otherwise.


Rita and John said...

I love this, Jerusha! Sometimes you just manage to say what I wish I had thought to say first. A mighty fortress is our God!

Krissy said...

life IS but a vapor.

so beautifully shared.
thx for that gentle/bold reminder.

love ya j

thewonderfulhappens said...

This is just so true. I never felt closer to God than during our adoption process because I literally had no control over anything. And the truth is that I *never* really have control over anything, I just like to pretend that I do. Thank you for this reminder.

Johanna said...

agreed! Amen and thank you for the reminder....