Friday, May 31, 2013

two years

fear busting
anxiety soothing
sowing in tears
reaping in joy
celebrating small successes, and big ones, too
acknowledging deep disappointment and cavernous negative emotions
tantrum management
refining by fire
building trust
intentionally thinking on what is lovely
food anxiety
control issues, and letting go of control
uncovering the child beneath the trauma
teaching him that he CAN 
learning to love and enjoy each other
strategizing and re-strategizing, and then scrapping that and starting over
unexpected moments of delight and triumph
clinging to hope
God's relentless faithfulness and grace  

Two years ago today he both became our son and began his journey toward becoming our son.  We too began our journey of becoming the parents he needs us to be.  In my early blog posts I clearly thought there was some magical "corner" to be turned.  Any day now, I thought...any week now...maybe when he's been home with us as long as he wasn't.  That allegedly significant day came and went with zero recognition; I wasn't even aware it had passed until many months later.

I now know there is no corner, only a barely perceptible curve.  I laugh a bit at adoption stories which reference those "rough early days"--and they mean weeks or a few months, at most.  Our "rough early days" lasted well over 18 months, and there are still painfully reminiscent moments.  We are very much in process.  I wish we had a love-at-first-sight story.  I don't believe I dishonor my son by saying that is not and will never be our story.

Rather, ours has been a tale of binding up wounds (and realizing that God is responsible for 95% of that work), of slow, slow, agonizingly slow progress, of love as a verb, the kind that refuses to give up, of great endurance and patience, of mistakes and forgiveness, of the high cost of redemption.

This has actually been the hardest two years of my life, mine and likely our son's, too.  Despite that...because of we celebrate and give thanks for our brave, handsome boy and all that we are becoming together.


Rita Buettner said...

Two years. Wow. What a journey for you and Shu and your whole family, Jerusha. You are an amazing person. Who would have thought your adoption journey would be such a challenging one? Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. Happy family day to Shu and thank God for bringing you all to this point--and so much further, together.

anything but LoKEY said...

You are so right on. No turning the corner moment. Still celebrating the little victories everyday. :)

thewonderfulhappens said...

I feel like I could have written this post, but not as eloquently as you! Darn that corner that we never seemed to turn, but you are right, we are on a very slow curve to.....wherever God is taking us.

Krissy said...

beauty for ashes. blessings my sweet sweet friend!

Gena Hicks said...

Beautifully written, Jerusha. I was truly amazed during my recent visit to see how Shu has blossomed. He is a different boy than he was even 6 months ago, and I know how tenacious you have been to love him through this long healing process. I have such admiration and respect for you, and I hope God gives you eyes to see how significant your and Vince's efforts are, and to daily recognize the eternal rewards of your sacrifices. Love you so much.

M. said...

Beautiful, hard-fought, life-changing, God-awesome, gut wrenching, fear busting, joy creating journey. Your tenacious, authentic, committed love driven by Gods grace will fuel Shu's rebirth into life -- living it connected to one amazing family. So happy for you all! Much love!